Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Nose to the Grindr-stone

So while I'm a technophile in general, I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to philia and eros, tech and I just don't get along. Call me a romantic luddite, I don't know. That being said, I do get a certain amusement (not that type of amusement, get your minds out of the gutter) out of utilizing services such as Grindr and Scruff on my iPhone, including:

"What is [he] headless?" -- Megan Mullaly in Will & Grace
The sheer number of headless men who state a requirement for a face pic is amusing to say the least. I can't tell if these people are just oblivious or simply unabashed in their hypocrisy.

"For God's sake, Gerry. I asked you a simple question; there is no need for you to become Woody Allen." -- Gwyneth Paltrow in Sliding Doors
There are absolutely no neurotic gay men in DC. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Every single gay man in DC is laid back. Does this sound like the gay DC we live in? I didn't think so. The only type of laid back gay men we have in DC are the ones who get laid on their backs. *rimshot*

My particularly favorite use of "laid back" was accompanying a profile picture of a guy in a tailored suit, leaning against a nice wooden dining room table, with the light streaming in from a window just-so. Laid back? Really?

"Howard Brackett is a big homo, queer, Mary, sissy man! He just came out at his big church wedding! Martha Stewart is furious! " -- Kevin Kline in In & Out
Apparently, everyone on these sites is or is looking for a masc[uline] (usually laid back) guy. First, "masculine guy" is redundant. Barring that, for this assertion to be true, the helium-heeled and -headed twinks of the world should be dying from sexual starvation and there should be a commercial starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. about saving them. I believe we can all agree that this is not the case. Similarly, some of the most masculine looking guys around are affliected with a serious case of STHJ syndrome.

"Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative." -- Oscar Wilde
I particularly enjoy when a random person with a practically blank profile messages one with "Hi," "Hey," "Sup," or, my coworkers' favorite, "Woof" (not to be confused with Scruff's woof at feature which is much like Match.com's wink, or OkCupid's woo). The art of conversation seems to be dead. People don't understand how to use conversation as a tool. I realize that people use these tools for different things some are looking just for sex, others for dates, others from friends. Conversation is the way to elicit this information.

"You just contact the mayor's office. He has a special signal he shines in the sky; it's in the shape of a giant cock." - Hit Girl in Kick-Ass
As I said above conversation is the way to elicit information on which page each of the participants is on. The sheer number of unsolicited cock shots that I've received is amazing. Including, my personal fave, someone who fished his cock out of his ski pants to take a picture while on the side of a ski slope while I was in Breckenridge. I mean seriously. I realize that some of our contributors here at 100MC are cock shot connoiseurs, but I'm not. And if you, ya know, conversed with me before sending it, I could have told you that.

So, no earth-shattering news here, the world of gay dating is full of awkwardness, lying, shallowness, hypocrisy, and rampant sexual desire. It's just that now, thanks to these apps, that wonderful world is just 0 feet away.